No Santa Claus at Titan’s North Pole. Liquid Fart Lakes Abound.


Ahhh…the North Pole- a magical land filled with fluffy snow, gingerbread houses, and friendly, industrious little elves. Santa lives there. So does his old lady. They thrive on nothing but cookies and hot cocoa, and the talking reindeer that live with them play and play and play all kinds of jolly games all the times forever. I’ve never actually been there, but it sounds awesome. Good job, Earth, on maximizing the potential of what could have ended up being just another desolate, frozen wasteland. Well done.
On Saturn’s largest moon, Titan, however, you can just go ahead and cancel Christmas. Yes, you read that correctly- just cancel the crap right out of it. Why? Because, instead of turning its North Pole into a magical place full of carbs and laughter like Earth has, it’s gone and filled the place up with what are basically whole lakes of liquid farts. Now you feel me? Scientists will tell you that this is due to an atmosphere made up of hydrocarbons like methane (and a bunch of other -anes and -enes) and a Fahrenheit surface temperature of around 289 degrees below zero. These temperatures are cold enough to liquify methane which is, um, gaseous on our planet.
Well, we all know that scientists think they’re pretty smart with all their science mumbo jumbo talk or whatever, but there are some who would totes disagree. I would be willing to bet that Bill O’ Reilly or Sarah Palin could be convinced that Titan’s failure to upgrade its North Pole situation is just part of the OBVIOUSLY GALACTICALLY PERVASIVE “War on Christmas”. Therefore, I propose that we use this issue as an excuse to launch these two people far, far into space right away. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this affront to our most beloved holiday, dammit, even if it means plumbing the depths of Titan’s frigid fjords of fluid flatulence forever. Right on.


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