So a year ago they told us that Comet ISON was a thing. And not just any thing. A THING! “It’ll be as bright as the full moon”, they said. “It’ll be visible for months”, they said. THEY made promises and overtures to my four year-old nephew that got him so riled up that I actually GAVE him my TELESCOPE! “Oooo, ISON is coming soon. Aren’t you excited?”, I said. And he WAS! He was crazy excited. He can’t wait now.
Too bad THEY were full of shit. How dare the scientific community devastate the hopes and dreams of an innocent child? And it’s not like I can take my telescope back now so thanks, assholes. My sweet little boy can search the heavens in vain this Thanksgiving Day but that which he seeks might not be found.
Turns out that there’s this massive nuclear reactor that resides right smack dab in the middle of our solar system. It’s called the fucking SUN and comet scientist people just became aware of its existence, I guess. This Sun, as its called, is very hot and it burns things that get close to it. And by burning I mean something much worse than Daniel Tosh does for a living. The Sun makes things go bye bye.
So, if you’re lucky, and you look hard enough with a telescope or binoculars, you might be able to catch a glimpse of this anticlimax on Thanksgiving. That’s when the comet will pass closest to the Earth. It will most likely be a far cry from the miraculous event that has been sold to us all year long, but it’s still a comet and comets are generally neat. Also a good excuse to get away from the family and sneak a smoke.
No one wants to believe in ancient aliens more than I do. As an atheist it’s easy for me to read the bible or any religious text (I don’t though cuz duh, I have a frickin’ life) and conjecture that the supernatural events described are more easily explained as the confused observations of dusty people with bad teeth as our planet was being visited by extraterrestrials.
Medieval paintings, mysterious lines in the sand, woodcuttings supposedly depicting an alien aerial dogfight; these objects are so very intriguing. I want to believe that they are evidence that there is, out there, something better than just our dumbass latte-slurping, petty, thieving, lying selves. Oh I do. And there probably is.
But alack, I must confess, I must admit, I must accept, that the information that is peddled around as evidence of ancient alien visitation has all the credibility of a governor who quits in the middle of her term as an elected official and then pimps her own daughter on ABC’s DWTS (I don’t like Sarah Palin and this is my blog so meh).
Are we really supposed to believe that aliens spent so much time with us and left absolutely no material proof that they were ever here? For all the impact that these space travelers have supposedly had on human civilizations throughout the centuries, how likely is it that they carried with them, like, no stuff ever? Not one shred of physical evidence indicating the extraterrestrial occupation of this planet has ever been unearthed. Nothing. It’s a bummer and I hate it, but them’s the facts. And this guy…look at this guy. What the hell is wrong with this man?