So a year ago they told us that Comet ISON was a thing. And not just any thing. A THING! “It’ll be as bright as the full moon”, they said. “It’ll be visible for months”, they said. THEY made promises and overtures to my four year-old nephew that got him so riled up that I actually GAVE him my TELESCOPE! “Oooo, ISON is coming soon. Aren’t you excited?”, I said. And he WAS! He was crazy excited. He can’t wait now.
Too bad THEY were full of shit. How dare the scientific community devastate the hopes and dreams of an innocent child? And it’s not like I can take my telescope back now so thanks, assholes. My sweet little boy can search the heavens in vain this Thanksgiving Day but that which he seeks might not be found.
Turns out that there’s this massive nuclear reactor that resides right smack dab in the middle of our solar system. It’s called the fucking SUN and comet scientist people just became aware of its existence, I guess. This Sun, as its called, is very hot and it burns things that get close to it. And by burning I mean something much worse than Daniel Tosh does for a living. The Sun makes things go bye bye.
So, if you’re lucky, and you look hard enough with a telescope or binoculars, you might be able to catch a glimpse of this anticlimax on Thanksgiving. That’s when the comet will pass closest to the Earth. It will most likely be a far cry from the miraculous event that has been sold to us all year long, but it’s still a comet and comets are generally neat. Also a good excuse to get away from the family and sneak a smoke.